sometimes I wonder why am I here right now,
why I'm still alive in a world that is so cold,
just waiting for each day to pass in hopes one day I'll pass with it,
unwilling to live yet unable to die,
can't smile, can't laugh, can't cry,
can't live or die,
I just want a warm hand to hold to,
I'm not perfect still living with no warmth is too hard,
sometimes I want to scream & cry,
why this family, why that father, why that step mother, why did she have to die,
so many things i've tried to let go, still they bound me
can't i live peacefully. i really miss her. who can i confide to everything. i want her.
even in my dreams i cant see her. mom.
living is too hard with so much resentment in my heart.
sometimes waking up feels like a torture.
i just want to fall in a deep sleep and never wake up.
let go of me life

Tears?

It's says that the tears that fall can soften and heal one's soul,
But, what if we weren't able to shed them,
Would those burdens that had always been on our shoulder grow heavy?
Would our heart always feel like an open wound that keeps hurting,
Emotions can rule a person's life,
Why does it feel so empty and dark at the same time,
Why does happiness seems to out of reach,
Can I grasp the future that I want,
Can I hold onto what I want right now,
So many questions left unanswered,
Broken yet never mended,
Tears of joy, regret but can't be shed.
I can only carry them until I've found it.

Affliction to the heart.

I don't know if people know or not about this,
I haven't lived my life,
I lived in the stories that I read, knowing fully well life is never kind.
Finding bless and happiness in little things are so hard that most people take them for granted.
I'm happy living like this, safely living in my room no one can reach my heart and I no longer need to guard it.
I know the saying where you have never lived until you've loved,
I don't know love but disappointment is something I'm familiar.
So, I'm living like Liu He. Playing the fool, yet accepting everything that is destined like Liu Fu Ling.
Hoping to be as forgiving as Yun Ge and move forward.
I no longer have the affliction nor ambitions to be someone who I can't.
I shall reside here until left forgotten.

Full circle.

I've just finished re-watching and re-living the drama startling by each step or aka bu bu jing xin, it's an adapated novel from Tong Hua. So, hopefully I'll be able to read the novel version of it soon after finishing the current one I'm reading which is Yun Zhong Ge another novel by Tong Hua. Which actually is a Chinese novel, luckily I found a website that translates it in English, I really love reading period novels, it has a very novel feeling and you can just let your imagination run wild with it. Even though I'm currently unemployed (fun) still I found websites that allow me to study other languages there fore taking this chance to learn mandarin since I love watching their drama, why not take up the language as well !

Respect

There's a movie called the freedom's writer,
There's a scene in the movie where the teacher says that in order to get respect, you have to give respect. So, here I am at a junction whether to dislike this person, the person who made me shed some tears, who undoubtedly made many of my loved ones upset. Respect that was given out of the status that she held, the person that she become in his heart, it made all the things that I sacrificed, all the things that I've done to support them seemed in vain. I wish that I am going somewhere very far away right now, for knowing the words that have been spoken were so crude, why try tarnishing a person who no longer walks this world with those words. What wrong that she had committed to be slandered like that, it pains me very much to even share a roof with this person. Patience is a virtue that doesn't seem to be owned by many people, and it seems I might run out of it soon. I'm praying and hoping that I'll lose my strength to close this chapter and move on from it, give me strength to carry on.